I am writing this post through tears. They are happy tears for the most part. This evening has been good, but as it goes on, I am becoming emotional. As most of you know, Jordan is 17. He will be 18 in September. I am quite certain that I will go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow on September 17th ready to celebrate his 18th birthday. I can't even explain to people who have young children how painfully fast time flies when your child reaches high school. I keep having these mini motivational speeches with myself that go something like this: "Stop being such a cry baby! This is the way God intended it to be. He gave you this child to nourish, teach, love and raise so that when the time comes, you can let him fly from your nest! And, he is a good boy! Not only is he a good boy, but he is a Godly young man! He will be fine!"
And so, I am fine for a little while. Until I face a situation that forces me to think about and process what is happening. Like today. I was driving home from Conway which is about 45 miles away from Rsvl. About half-way through my drive, I passed Jordan driving TO Conway to meet up with some friends. My first thought was, "Wait a minute! He isn't ready to just hop in his car and drive on the interstate, by himself, to hangout with friends in Conway!" My next thought was, "It's bound to happen sooner or later. I can fight it, but a year and a half from now he will, more than likely, be living in a different town to attend college. He will be living independently. Taking care of himself. Preparing or finding his own meals. Washing his own clothes. Managing himself as it relates to classes, finances, relationships, etc. I have to be able to let go, even though I am not ready. If it were left it up to me, I would never be ready. It's better that I face up to it in baby steps."
All evening, my mom has quizzed me: "Have you heard from Jordan?" "When will Jordan be home?" "Who did he go to see?" The truth is, it isn't easy on any of us! Even my mom and step-dad are struggling! I told my mom that she just needed to deal with it to which she responded: "I don't have to if I don't want to! Poppy isn't ok with it either!"
We can either go through the next year and half kicking and screaming (or in my world, sobbing and bawling) OR, we can embrace it. We can cherish every single moment by committing it to memory through journals or blogs like this. We can laugh and give thanks to God for Jordan's health, both physically and spiritually. We can be thankful for all the fun times AND the hard times. We can rejoice in knowing that we still have time to mold and teach. We can look forward to all of the fun times Jordan has to look forward to during his Sr. year. That is what I will try to do. I want to enjoy the next year and a half, but more than that, I want Jordan to enjoy it without having to listen to his momma blubbering in the background.
I can't imagine that I will ever hold on loosely to the rope that Jordan holds onto at the other end. I will probably always hold on to it tighter than I should, making for some irritating and uncomfortable "rope burns" from time to time. When my rope burns sting, because I held on tight when I should have let loose, I hope that I am able to remember that God has a plan, purpose and love for Jordan that is more than I can fathom.
Lord, please guide me and give me the strength to hold on tight when necessary and the grace to loosen my grip when the time comes.
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