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I am writing this post through tears. They are happy tears for the most part. This evening has been good, but as it goes on, I am becoming emotional. As most of you know, Jordan is 17. He will be 18 in September. I am quite certain that I will go to sleep tonight and wake up tomorrow on September 17th ready to celebrate his 18th birthday. I can't even explain to people who have young children how painfully fast time flies when your child reaches high school. I keep having these mini motivational speeches with myself that go something like this: "Stop being such a cry baby! This is the way God intended it to be. He gave you this child to nourish, teach, love and raise so that when the time comes, you can let him fly from your nest! And, he is a good boy! Not only is he a good boy, but he is a Godly young man! He will be fine!"
And so, I am fine for a little while. Until I face a situation that forces me to think about and process what is happening. Like today. I was driving home from Conway which is about 45 miles away from Rsvl. About half-way through my drive, I passed Jordan driving TO Conway to meet up with some friends. My first thought was, "Wait a minute! He isn't ready to just hop in his car and drive on the interstate, by himself, to hangout with friends in Conway!" My next thought was, "It's bound to happen sooner or later. I can fight it, but a year and a half from now he will, more than likely, be living in a different town to attend college. He will be living independently. Taking care of himself. Preparing or finding his own meals. Washing his own clothes. Managing himself as it relates to classes, finances, relationships, etc. I have to be able to let go, even though I am not ready. If it were left it up to me, I would never be ready. It's better that I face up to it in baby steps."
All evening, my mom has quizzed me: "Have you heard from Jordan?" "When will Jordan be home?" "Who did he go to see?" The truth is, it isn't easy on any of us! Even my mom and step-dad are struggling! I told my mom that she just needed to deal with it to which she responded: "I don't have to if I don't want to! Poppy isn't ok with it either!"
We can either go through the next year and half kicking and screaming (or in my world, sobbing and bawling) OR, we can embrace it. We can cherish every single moment by committing it to memory through journals or blogs like this. We can laugh and give thanks to God for Jordan's health, both physically and spiritually. We can be thankful for all the fun times AND the hard times. We can rejoice in knowing that we still have time to mold and teach. We can look forward to all of the fun times Jordan has to look forward to during his Sr. year. That is what I will try to do. I want to enjoy the next year and a half, but more than that, I want Jordan to enjoy it without having to listen to his momma blubbering in the background.
I can't imagine that I will ever hold on loosely to the rope that Jordan holds onto at the other end. I will probably always hold on to it tighter than I should, making for some irritating and uncomfortable "rope burns" from time to time. When my rope burns sting, because I held on tight when I should have let loose, I hope that I am able to remember that God has a plan, purpose and love for Jordan that is more than I can fathom.
Lord, please guide me and give me the strength to hold on tight when necessary and the grace to loosen my grip when the time comes.
Yep. That is the kind of week I have had. You know, the kind of week, where you have these little conversations with yourself and the Lord in an effort to keep your sanity? The kind of week where you go "Seriously God? Couldn't we have waited for the heat to go out on a warmer winter day?" The way I look at it, He knows our heart and our thoughts whether we say it or not, so why not just talk to Him about it? I wasn't ugly - just asking. But I quickly followed those questions with thanks for the fact that our upstairs heating was toasty and thanks for a home, period. It hasn't been the idea situation, but it is more than so many people have so I quickly remind myself of that and move on. No sense in dwelling on it. At the end of the day I am blessed beyond anything I could have ever asked for. And, if it helps any, I have these "seriously?" conversations with the Lord about good things too. Especially in times when He just knocks my socks off with his mercy. This happened not too long ago with Jordan. I was moved to tears every time I realized how God had protected Jordan from making poor choices. "Seriously God? Did You really just do that? You really do love Jordan (and all of us) enough to guard and protect his heart in this particular situation. I can never thank YOU enough Lord for watching over my teenage son in this day and time and under the sometimes difficult circumstances of his life. Please continue to watch over him and guide him and love him so that his desire to make Godly choices continues. PLEASE draw him closer to You through this situation. Thank you Lord for showing me in such a clear way that You and You alone have my boy in Your hands."
In addition to our little heating problem, Colt came down with croup / bronchitis (only a few short weeks after having a MAJOR stomach bug that resulted in a week of missed preschool, a trip to the hospital followed by a trip to the doctor, along with endless loads of laundry). He missed another week of preschool. Nothing like paying $90 a week for absentee childcare! It's a wonder the rest of us haven't gotten sick because you walk down the stairs and the temperature drops a good 40 degrees and I am NOT even joking. James has teased that he is surprised a thunderstorm hasn't broken out in our stairway because of the collision of hot and cold air! It's so true! That would be a great science project for some kid out there trying to figure out what to do for Science Fair!! If the collision of hot and cold air is what causes storms outside, then what is missing for it to not happen in my stairway - moisture maybe??
Needless to say, the downstairs of my house looks atrocious! I have blankets, pillows, anything I could find covering every window, door, vent, etc. We have been using space heaters to keep it bearable since that is where we hang out most of the time, so I had to do something to lock in as much of the heat as possible. Thankfully, the part needed to fix our heater is supposed to be in this afternoon. Hopefully I can start de-blanketing our house tomorrow! My family (especially Jordan) will be thrilled. . . as will I.
I guess that is about it for now. We are finally celebrating Colt's 5th birthday tomorrow with a party at the local bump-n-jump place. His December 1st b-day makes it nearly impossible to schedule anything for his friends because it falls right after Thanksgiving or on a weekend when so many people start celebrating Christmas early. Since it is his 5th b-day, I wanted to something a little bigger, so we decided to wait and do the party in January to make sure lots of his friends would be able to come. He is super excited!
I will try to post pictures afterward. maybe even a video of my funny little guy hamming it up at one of Jordan's basketball games last week. They play music during timeouts and he loves to get his groove on! It is quite entertaining!
I am a conservative Christ-follower, wife and mom. Thankful for my salvation through Jesus' death on the cross. I believe God is love and as a Christ-follower, I am to attempt to love like Jesus. To me, that means I may not agree with you and the choices you make, however, I vow to love you despite our differences. I believe that no sin is greater than another; unless a person is unrepentant . . . then that becomes an issue between you and God; not me and you. . . I will still choose to love.
According to personality tests, I have one sort-of dominant personality and then three equal personalities. This makes it hard and easy to be the person I want to be! LOL! It's OK. I've embraced my multiple personalities and do my best to just go with the flow of which Jennifer is dominating today.